As a recently divorced 65 year old guy, I decided I would actually try to cook something healthy to eat . . .

Since out of the last 35 years I’ve either been married or living with someone, I have really no idea how to cook anything.  So, for your entertainment – especially all you women readers, feel free to give me your solutions to my problem below;)

I decided to start with oatmeal for two reasons – one, it’s healthy, and two, there are directions on the container!

Attempt # 1

I faithfully followed the directions to mix everything in a bowl and nuke on high for 3 minutes. What happened was not this pretty but I couldn’t find any photos online with an oatmeal explosion with no oatmeal left in the bowl at all!

Attempt # 2

A well meaning woman friend told me I should have covered the bowl, so I did that with Saran wrap for attempt # 2. The results were the same as attempt # 1 – a total mess. She asked me if I had poked holes in the Saran wrap and, of course, I said “no” – you didn’t tell me to do that!

Attempt # 3

So, after poking holes, I tried again. No difference, the oatmeal came through and expanded the holes. Another explosion. At this point I was beginning to wonder if I’d go through the entire container of oatmeal and never get to eat any of it . . . So being a guy, I decided if the oatmeal was escaping through the flimsy wrap, I’d put a nice heavy plate over the bowl instead.

Attempt # 4

Here we go again – midway through the third minute, I hear a crash. It turns out the explosion happened anyway and knocked the plate off the oatmeal bowl! Not having anything heavier, it’s time for “plan B”. The directions said you can cook it on the stove too . . .

Attempt # 5

No explosion! Yeah!!! But, half the oatmeal is stuck to the black crud on the bottom of the pan. My friend mentioned I should have used a non-stick pan, but of course, I don’t have any of those, my ex took them . . . At least I get to eat some this time! And after soaking the pan in soapy water for 3 days and still not able to get the black stuff off the bottom, I was about to throw the pan out when my ex came over and showed me there was steel wool under the sink and it could get all the black stuff out. A wonder – I’d never used that stuff before and always wondered what is was for. . . She did tell me not to use that miracle stuff on non-stick pans tho . . .

Attempt # 6

The next attempt will be tomorrow – I have now been advised not to use the high setting on the microwave, but a lower setting – so, once I figure out how to do that, we’ll try again. The instructions did mention an amount of watts your microwave is, but nowhere on the microwave does it say –

I expect to be back for your further enjoyment tomorrow – Once I conquer the oatmeal mountain, I wonder what will happen if I try to cook an egg??